I find myself the last couple of days reliving in my mind the most traumatic experience I have suffered in my life. I find myself feeling a sense of full blown panic and on high alert. I find myself learning you can never truly recover from being physiologically destroyed and manipulated. From having you mind invaded, destroyed and warped. An experience that to this day holds my mind captive and when faced with the prospect of confronting the very people who inflicted this abuse and terrifying assault on me in the first place terrifies me to no end. I had thought that at this point I had recovered and been able to move on from this experience I now find it coming back to me with such force so as to nearly bring me back to the state that lead me to this experience in the first place. I feel my heart, mind and soul filled with terror not just for me but for my family as well.
What fills me with feelings of terror even more is that this same group of people who victimized me are now my last hope to help my daughter who is suffering from some problems and issues that I can no longer adequately deal with. I not only fear for the welfare of my daughter but for myself as I Confront this group of people that inflicted such terrible things on me in the first place.
At this point your probably wondering why I would even consider such a action, why would I subject my daughter to things that cause so much misery, pain, sorrow and fear in my own life.
I love my daughter very much, yet I fear that if she does not get the help I can no longer provide to her the long term consequences may be just as bad.
I have gone before God in Prayer, I have been to the Temple of God, I have tried and done everything to help my daughter, work with her, and find solutions to the problems we face. All efforts on my part have failed. My last effort was to talk to the bishop of the church with my daughter seeking council on what to do, it was then that my worst fears became true. And since that day I have been faced with what I would describe as a near mental breakdown. To say that this is not a trial of my faith is a understatement. I felt that I had no other choice in the matter but to talk to my bishop about the problems that have been going on in my life and the council he has given does not sit well on my mind, heart or soul, and yet I know that as a common judge in Israel he is inspired to provide council to those that seek it. To act on his council is the most difficult thing I have ever been faced with.
The council he gave me was to refer me to LDS Family services where we would be referred to a Psychologist to Help with the problems that we have been having. For those that are reading this you likely don’t understand on why that is such a difficult thing for me to accept. Perhaps my experiences will help you understand a bit more.
When I was much younger around my daughters age, just a few years older I was a angry and depressed kid. I was bullied at school both physically and mentally. I was bullied at home in the same manor by members of my own family. I was told over and over again that my problems were make belief and its all in my head. I was miserable and angry. I hated my life and the world, and just wanted to end it.
I was brought to a psychologist who I only saw a couple of times. That doctor did not seem to believe that anything was wrong and that I had not conceivable reason for feeling the way that I did. I was shuffled off to a psychiatrist, who my mother never questioned his proscribed course of treatment but accepted it without question believing that all my problems were in my head. I was drugged. These drugs, which at one point I was on 3 different anti depressant and mood altering psychotropic drugs. These drugs have numerous effects on me. They were constantly being adjusted. There were times when I was on such a high that I was experiences completely bliss and euphoria which was promptly followed by anger, suicidal thoughts, depression and hostility. There were times that I experienced a sense of not being physically connected to my body as if i was just an outside observer to everything that is happening, I had felt as if I was not in control of my mind, thoughts, words or actions. I was a puppet being manipulated. I would at times feel so completely apathetic that I was oblivious to my surroundings. The sudden and drastic changes in my mental state were completely out of my control, I would swing from on extreme to the other, and with every extreme my drugs were again adjusted never making things better but worse. This went on for 5 years give or take and left me in worse shape than I was before any of this started. I was deadened to the spirit and lost complete control of my life and mind. It was an assault on my pyshce I can never forget.
During the course of this treatment I was imprisoned in a pysche ward at a hospital on at least 3 different occasions for extended periods of time where I was further controlled and manipulated. They put a smile on there face and pretended everything was fine and that I was there for my own benefit but in reality it was a prison. I could not leave and spent much of my time confined to my “cell”. Only coming out for meals and some occasional exercise. I was monitored With security cameras and not allowed much of any possessions at all. My time there was spent going through the wide ranges of mental states previously described with no end in site.
When I turned 18 I was finally able to throw off the chains of my captors, free my mind of the drugs and take back control of my life. Now I take my Daughter to the one place it started for me. The memories of this experience while they have haunted me come back with terrifying force.
Now is the time for me to put my faith in God and the council of my bishop. I know that it is only through God that I will be able to overcome my fear and take this Leap of faith that it much needed at this time. As the scriptures say, the faith of a mustard seed can move mountains and that faith is sorely needed for me now. I pray that God will help me overcome, so that my daughter can get the help she needs so that I may be able to more effectively cope with her troubles.
I thank God for wise bishops that can guide and direct us to someone who can understand and help through the same LDS faith that I have. I can overcome all things with faith, God will not leave me helpless. I now believe that I suffered what I did so that I would know and understand how to protect my children from what I went through. God knew that this day would come, and only by experiencing what I did would I be able to protect my children while still providing them the help the need. Despite my experience I thank God that I had it so that my children could be protected.