A while ago I had written about a trial that I was starting to face Titled the most difficult trial of my faith. (https://gospelperspective.wordpress.com/2013/11/28/the-most-difficult-trial-of-my-faith/). That was back in November. It has now been close to 2 months since I took my Daughter to this psychologist to get the help both of us need in coping with the problems she is having.
This has not been easy for me and it is not something I am happy about. It has been a struggle. Our first appointment my wife was able to be by my side and help me through the struggle and psychological trauma that being there brought back to me. My first post on this goes into more detail of my experience with the psychological community. When we went for the first time I had experienced quite a bit of anxiety and just shut down. But because my wife was by my side I did not feel the need to Flee from the encroaching terror of being there.
While in the appointment the DR. let me know if I need to leave for a bit I could do that and it would not be a problem. However I could not do so and I let him know that I am not prepared to leave my daughter alone with him. To do so would leave her vulnerable and I must protect her from what was happened to me. I managed to get through that first appointment, though not without significance stress and anxiety. I was happy to walk out of that office at the end and get away from stress of confronting my fears again.
The second appointment my wife was not able to be with me. Unfortunately this lead to and much increased level of anxiety and fear at being there. I was feeling faint and fighting the overpowering urge to run and leave immediately. I found myself frantically texting my wife while waiting for the DR. and during the appointment desperate for help to calm down. This DR. could not calm me down. Before meeting with him in person I had explained to him my feelings towards his profession. He did not try to calm me down but simply stated again if I need to leave then I am free to do so and come back when I am calmed down enough. Again I had stated to him that I cannot leave my daughter alone with him. I felt that to do so would leave her vulnerable in the same way I was to the psychologist and psychiatrist in my experience. Like a burning building it does not matter that I would die and be burned alive I would still run into it to save my children and protect them from the flames.
Will I ever get over my fear and anxiety that this situation brings? I have been counseled by my bishop to see this DR. He is paying for it so that I will not have to be burdened with my anxiety and financial costs as well. At this point I do not feel that he has been of any help in any way. Its not that things have been getting any worse. I just don’t see any change or even the slightest improvement in the issue and problems that we are seeing this DR. for to begin with. My ever supportive and loving wife continues to council me to not write this off so soon. She reminds me that we have only have 2 appointments at this time and that things won’t change over night. My bishop has said the same things.
I do fully understand that this is a process that will take time to rectify and change. This is not a simple problem and there are no easy answers. Despite that intellectual understanding I still can’t bring myself to believe that any good will come of seeing a psychologist. Every time I walk into the DR.’s office my shields go up, red alert is issued and battle-stations are manned. I feel trapped in a sinking ship with no one to help me out. I’m drowning and can’t escape the terror, pain and suffering I experienced. To say that this is difficult for me is an understatement.
In all of this anxiety and emotional turmoil I struggle to keep in mind that this is for my daughters benefit. Though that is difficult to come to terms with. I struggle immensely with seeing the benefit given my own experiences with the profession. I want only what is best for her. Though I am hopeless that any good will come of it this I must continue put my trust in God and the council of the bishop that this is what is needed to be done. If I can’t over come my fear how can I help my daughter with her struggles. How will I ever be able to overcome my own stress and anxiety over the problems that she is having. How will she be able to overcome the trials and problems she faces if I cannot over come the wall that I have put up against the only profession that has any hope of helping her and my self overcome the trials she is having.
I constantly ask myself Will she come out of this as scarred as I did? Will she ask me one day why did you do it dad when you knew how terrible and horrible these people are? Will she resent me for the rest of my life because of this? Will she trust me after wards?
I have not given up on this yet. Its a long road and not an easy one to walk. With the help of God I am confident that at some point we can at least be better able to manage these issues if not have them completely resolved. I cannot let my guard down and I do not believe I ever will be able to do so.
While facing this trial I need to keep in mind that this is for our family’s and most importantly my Daughters benefit. Above all that is what is most important. At least that is what I hope as I desperately try to convince myself that this DR. is only trying to help. These are words I have heard so many times. “we are here to help you”. I only wish I could believe them. I know that will take some time and effort. With the support of my wife, and God I know that we will find a solution.
I don’t know if this is the solution but with God all things are possible.