If you have not read the first 2 installments of this series of articles on a the most difficult trial of my faith please read parts 1 and 2 before continuing on with this 3rd installment.
Taking my daughter to this psychologist continues to build up in me extreme levels in anxiety. While I know that Christ would not have me hold a grudge and not forgive those who have hurt me I struggle to forgive what was done to me as a child. I still feel a loathing and hatred for what was done to me and those who were responsible for that abuse, assault and trauma that I was put through. I am angry and cannot bring myself to trust anyone who is even remotely associated with what I have come to consider a evil and satanic business.
I find that I can no longer continue to bring my daughter to the same people who turned me into a drug addict. As I pointed out in a previous post (https://gospelperspective.wordpress.com/2014/01/17/drug-induced-insanity/) illegal drugs like heroin, LSD, meth, cocaine share many of the same side effects of the drugs I was put on as a kid. Many have said to me that Psychologist and psychiatrist are 2 different professions in reality they are the same. There is only 1 difference, a psychiatrist has the special privileged of prescribing drugs because they studied psychology via a med school. This was pointed out to me by a psychology instructor at university who told me she opted for psychology because she did not want to spend another 4 years at school just for a special license to proscribe drugs. Psychologist are no better than psychiatrist, they only serve to determine who might be eligible for drugs.
As I have contemplated up coming meetings with this psychologist I find I am experiencing flashbacks and extreme anxiety. I find my self becoming angry and feeling hostile and aggressive towards those who have at this point have not actually harmed me, but rather happen to share a profession with my abusers. Because of the abuse that I was put through I find I cannot confront this DR without feelings of anger, anxiety and extreme high stress.
I cannot help but be taken back to the times when I was being manipulated by the one person I should of been able to trust. I was being assaulted and abused and this was allowed to continue because they to were convinced that the very drugs that were causing me this trauma were fixing the problems they were creating. She was told this and so she believed it.
I cannot trust anyone in the profession of mental health. Taking my daughter to a psychologist is causing such extreme stress and anxiety. It is causing all my past to come back to me with terrifying force. I have been forced to ask my self is the pain, anguish, fear, stress, anxiety worth it? My mind and psyche simply cannot handle it. I have been asked to walk through the gates of hell and confront the devil himself and ask for his help.
I know that our bishop does not do this out of any evil intent. He does so as he believes this is best for us. I can’t help but wonder if he knew what I know, If he understood things as I do would he have given me the same council?
Before our first appointment I was given a blessing from my home teachers that told me I would find a solution to our problems. That blessing however in no way confirmed that seeing a psychologist was the right choice.
The more we see him the more I feel a sickening repulsion at what I have done. I am angry with myself and to be honest feel a some anger at my bishop for directing me there in the first place. I am not proud of that fact but those feelings are real none the less. I am feeling that what we are doing is very wrong and I just cannot continue with this process. I am angry, frustrated. These are barriers that I just cannot get over. I have no faith that any good will come of this. This opening of old wounds is not good for me or my family.
there is a song by Alanis Morissette that really speaks to me as it expresses the feelings to an extent though I do not believe anything can truly capture the extent of the emotional pain and trauma that I suffered. The song is call straight jacket.
Something so benign for me construed as cruelty
Such a difference between who I am and who you see
Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect
I don’t know who you’re talking to with such (bleep) disrespect
This (bleep) making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straight jacket
Talking with you’s like talking to a sive that can’t hear me
You fight me tooth and nail to disavow what’s happening
Your resistance to a mirror I feel screaming from your body
One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me
The strings of my puppet are cut
The end of an era
Your discrediting’s lost my consent
I simply cannot continue down a path that lead me to so much pain and suffering. The most frustrating aspect of all of this is that my own personal issues are now impacting my ability to help my daughter with her troubles and problems that she is having. I cannot bring my self to trust the professionals and for good reason. My hatred and severe trust issues give me no choice but to rely on God to help me help her without help from the mental health community.
My anxiety, Anger, and severe lack of trust in this profession has caused me to become bitter, easily frustrated and angry, generally not happy as I normally am. It is causing further discord in our home as a result and it must stop. My personal feelings on the issue are affecting my children. They affect me and my relationship with them if we allow this to continue.
For this reason we are cutting all further ties and ending this association now before it is to late. May god bless me and help us. God knows I need as much help as my daughter in resolving these issues. You can not resolve issues by going to the ones who hurt your to begin with. My wounds will never heal and It is just not worth opening them up again. My family’s happiness is to precious to me to continue down a path which will lead to further problems that I fear I will not be able to manage or control.
God help me. There is no other way.