The Most Difficult Trial of My Faith part 5

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It’s felt like it has been a long and difficult trial facing my fears within the psychiatric and physiological community. Many people have misunderstood my position on the matter and have felt that I am adamantly opposed to any mental health treatment of any kind when that is in fact simply not true. My issues are primarily with psychiatric drugs designed to target your emotional state of mind, effectively numbing you to your own feelings and acting like everything is OK while suffering severe side effects you have been manipulated into believing are not the result of the drugs but your mental disorder.

A while back we had taken my daughter to a psychologist seeking help with some issues that we have been dealing with. The fear of what I went through had made it extremity difficult to even approach this Doctor and made it even more difficult to continue. I had written about out decision to stop seeing this doctor here.

I have been sharing things on Facebook recently about my feelings on the matter which has led to debates and arguments. I have been told that I am wrong and should stop writing off a practice that has clearly “helped” many people. I have been told that I have not done my research and If I would just read the other side of the issue then I would know that these drugs are not bad but rather they are good for me and my children. It would seem that once you have a position on any given issue if it does not conform to those who are on the other side of the issue then clearly I must be uneducated and have given into the fear mongering other reputable sources have put forth. I Have been told that if I would just talk to people, doctors and other professionals that have first hand experience with these drugs then I would know that I am wrong. I can’t help but wonder when taking a stand on an issue means that you are closed-minded and have not done you research on that particular issue. My own experience has been written off by those who oppose my side of the issue as non important and has no practical value to the debate. Despite explaining that I have read plenty of material praising these drugs and spoken to plenty of people who claim they have been helped by these drugs I am still too closed-minded to understand that I am wrong. In the same breath those who opposed my opinion on the matter in such a way will write off people like Dr Peter Breggin who wrote books such as Toxic psychiatry, Brain disabling treatment in psychiatry: drugs electroshock and the pharmaceutical complex, and Medication madness: the role of psychiatric drugs in violence, suicide and crime, and Talking back to Prozac, what doctors aren’t telling you about Prozac and the new anti depressants. He is not the only one however there is also Mind Drugs, Inc.: How Big Pharma and Modern Psychiatry Have Corrupted Washington and Destroyed Mental Health in America by Christopher M. Byron

This debating back and forth has not changed my mind but has rather only served to give me even more reason not to trust psychiatric medication and has heightened my anxiety relating to the subject. When you tell me I am wrong and that I will be putting my children’s welfare at risk if I refuse to accept your side of the issue it is honestly offensive and while your intentions may be noble and good, they cause more harm than good. It comes across as saying that you know better what is good for my children than I do and If would just stop being so closed-minded I would see that your are right and I am wrong.

We have recently decided to give the doctor another shot in the hopes that we can resolve the issues concerning our daughter and the struggles she is dealing with. While I will certainly take the blame for giving into the debates that have sparked on Facebook over psychiatric medication it has not helped my overall anxiety. To be honest I have become frustrated that these debates have even happened. I take the blame for that, posting anything on social media can result in conversations that we are not happy about. I’m a sucker for punishment and can’t seem to help myself when it comes to answering those who disagree with me. Something I know I need to resolve for myself.

I can only hope that with the upcoming appointment with this doctor I can avoid the anxiety that caused me to step back and stop seeing him in the first place. Isaiah 41:10 brings words of comfort to my tortured soul.

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

There is that part of me that still fears, but rationally I know that he cannot proscribe medications as the doctor we are seeing is a psychologist not a psychiatrist.

God knows that I love my children and could not ever knowingly subject them to harm. I could not do so with a clear concise.

Mental health is not an exact science by a long shot. We know very little about the mind and how it works. Without a proper understanding that makes treating what is commonly referred to as mental health issues difficult if not impossible but I do believe that it is possible to do so without the need for drugs of any kind when it comes to mental health. There are solutions to the issues with plague the mind that do not involve chemical manipulation. Subjecting anyone to such a treatment is more harmful that good.

I love my children and while difficult to accept and embrace the mental health community, and while I am still skeptical that they can truly be of any help as they are very dependent on drugs, I am not closed-minded as many believe. That fact is evident in that I am willing to bring my daughter to a psychologist in the first place. Asking me to trust this man explicitly is something very different. Taking this step is not an act of trust, but rather an act of faith that my God will look out for me and my family.

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The Most Difficult Trial of My Faith Part 4: Thank You To My Wife

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https://gospelperspective.wordpress.com/2013/11/28/the-most-difficult-trial-of-my-faith/

https://gospelperspective.wordpress.com/2014/01/09/the-most-difficult-trial-of-my-faith-part-2/

https://gospelperspective.wordpress.com/2014/01/17/the-most-difficult-trial-of-my-faith-part-3/

Now that I have ended our Association with this psychologist that we took our daughter to I find myself reflecting back on my recovery from the trauma that I had been through as a child.

After many years of being manipulated and drugged it was not an easy process to remove the drugs from my system. The doctors, teachers, and other adults in my life were very good at manipulating me into self medicating which I imagine was there ultimate objective.

Withdraw for me was a long and painful process which did not start till after I moved away from home at age 19. Like other victims of trauma you at first don’t notice what has happened to you. I don’t think my wife truly understood just how damaged I was at the time. She had been a big part of my life since high school. To be honest the shock of this experience did not sink in till after I escaped my prison and the abuse which was inflicted upon me. To this day I have not fully recovered.

The withdraw from these psychiatric drugs at times was a terrifying experience. My beloved and ever loving wife Mary-Ann was even at times quite scarred for me because of what was happening. I have a vague memory of something that happened very early in our marriage as part of the withdraw that I was going through and it seems at times still am going through now. I had a very real and terrifying auditory and visual hallucination. This hallucination caused me to cower in a closet terrified of what I perceived to be happening. My wife was quite afraid at that time. She had no experience dealing with this sort of thing. She had no idea what to do or how to handle it. She tells me that she wanted to call 911. I would not blamed her for doing that. Thankfully she did not as that would of made things worse, likely lead to being hospitalized and drugged again.

I had suffered seizures which are classic side effects of withdraw from these drugs. While I was born with epilepsy it had been years since I had a seizure, only after removing myself form the drugs which don’t control epilepsy did I start to have seizures again. while they were not frequent like as a child the effect on my mind was and is directly connected to the withdraw from these drugs.

My wife has stood by my side for years. She did not leave but rather stood by me and helped me recover as the trauma of this experience began to effect me in a way that I can never fully recover from.

I want to send a loving and huge thank you to her for her support, love and compassion. There are so many parts of me that haunt me to this day. She has stood by me in my weakness as I worked to recover from this traumatizing experience.

Alanis Morissette has a song called empathy. This song I feel expresses the gratitude in words that I have for my dearest wife. I would encourage you to view the video of this song here

as she says in this song

Thank you for seeing me
I feel so less lonely
Thank you for getting me
I’m healed by your empathy
Oh this intimacy

Thank you Mary-Ann for loving me and staying by my side despite my anger, hostility at times. you knew when you took me into your heart that I was an emotional roller coaster but it was a ride you were and still are today willing to ride with me to the end. Your love, compassion and empathy have healed me. You have done more for me than anyone “professional” has done. You saw into my soul, my heart and mind and have always just known what to do, what to say. Your never ending support has brought me through the fires of hell and back.

I have shared with you the darkest parts of my soul. I have shared with you my deepest and darkest emotions. You have earned my trust because of your loving compassion. It is only because of you that I am here today. You are the reason I am the man I am today. Without you I would of had no hope of recovery and would be victimized to this day. Because of your support and never ending love, compassion, empathy I was able to recover from this abuse and torture at the hands of evil.

You dived into the fires of hell and pulled me out. I don’t know if you knew what you were getting into but you did not care for that but you cared for me. You loved me when no one else would. You understand me. You open my eyes to love that I had begun to believe did not exist in this world.

Mary-Ann because of you I have been saved from the demons that haunt me. Those demons are still there but because of you they can no longer harm me. You have been my guardian. You have been my warrior and help defend me against the evil which was afflicted my mind and soul and you have helped me when I was in pain. You have freed me from the poison of the drugs which has so afflicted me. Without your loving kindness and support I don’t know where I would be today but I do know that I would not have the emotional strength to live.

Mary-Ann I cannot thank you enough to holding me up while I withdrew from the drugs that caused so much harm. I thank you for understanding me and supporting my decision to stop seeing this Doctor.

Mary-Ann you have healed me. It is your love and compassion which have healed me. I am still scarred and still hurt emotionally because of this experience but because of you I can bear the torment and anguish of my soul that this cause me. I can live a normal life and be happy because of you. You have taken away so much of my pain and replaced it with love and happiness. Your love and compassion have saved me, healed me and have given me the will to live. You are the reason I am alive today, You are the reason I am un-medicated today. You are the reason I can live a normal life today.

THANK YOU!!!

I can never repay you for what you have done for me. If every woman was like you the devil and his minions of psychiatry would have no hope. so THANK YOU.

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THE MOST DIFFICULT TRIAL OF MY FAITH PART 3

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https://gospelperspective.wordpress.com/2013/11/28/the-most-difficult-trial-of-my-faith/

https://gospelperspective.wordpress.com/2014/01/09/the-most-difficult-trial-of-my-faith-part-2/

If you have not read the first 2 installments of this series of articles on a the most difficult trial of my faith please read parts 1 and 2 before continuing on with this 3rd installment.

Taking my daughter to this psychologist continues to build up in me extreme levels in anxiety. While I know that Christ would not have me hold a grudge and not forgive those who have hurt me I struggle to forgive what was done to me as a child. I still feel a loathing and hatred for what was done to me and those who were responsible for that abuse, assault and trauma that I was put through. I am angry and cannot bring myself to trust anyone who is even remotely associated with what I have come to consider a evil and satanic business.

I find that I can no longer continue to bring my daughter to the same people who turned me into a drug addict. As I pointed out in a previous post (https://gospelperspective.wordpress.com/2014/01/17/drug-induced-insanity/) illegal drugs like heroin, LSD, meth, cocaine share many of the same side effects of the drugs I was put on as a kid. Many have said to me that Psychologist and psychiatrist are 2 different professions in reality they are the same. There is only 1 difference, a psychiatrist has the special privileged of prescribing drugs because they studied psychology via a med school. This was pointed out to me by a psychology instructor at university who told me she opted for psychology because she did not want to spend another 4 years at school just for a special license to proscribe drugs. Psychologist are no better than psychiatrist, they only serve to determine who might be eligible for drugs.

As I have contemplated up coming meetings with this psychologist I find I am experiencing flashbacks and extreme anxiety. I find my self becoming angry and feeling hostile and aggressive towards those who have at this point have not actually harmed me, but rather happen to share a profession with my abusers. Because of the abuse that I was put through I find I cannot confront this DR without feelings of anger, anxiety and extreme high stress.

I cannot help but be taken back to the times when I was being manipulated by the one person I should of been able to trust. I was being assaulted and abused and this was allowed to continue because they to were convinced that the very drugs that were causing me this trauma were fixing the problems they were creating. She was told this and so she believed it.

I cannot trust anyone in the profession of mental health. Taking my daughter to a psychologist is causing such extreme stress and anxiety. It is causing all my past to come back to me with terrifying force. I have been forced to ask my self is the pain, anguish, fear, stress, anxiety worth it? My mind and psyche simply cannot handle it. I have been asked to walk through the gates of hell and confront the devil himself and ask for his help.

I know that our bishop does not do this out of any evil intent. He does so as he believes this is best for us. I can’t help but wonder if he knew what I know, If he understood things as I do would he have given me the same council?

Before our first appointment I was given a blessing from my home teachers that told me I would find a solution to our problems. That blessing however in no way confirmed that seeing a psychologist was the right choice.

The more we see him the more I feel a sickening repulsion at what I have done. I am angry with myself and to be honest feel a some anger at my bishop for directing me there in the first place. I am not proud of that fact but those feelings are real none the less. I am feeling that what we are doing is very wrong and I just cannot continue with this process. I am angry, frustrated. These are barriers that I just cannot get over. I have no faith that any good will come of this. This opening of old wounds is not good for me or my family.

there is a song by Alanis Morissette that really speaks to me as it expresses the feelings to an extent though I do not believe anything can truly capture the extent of the emotional pain and trauma that I suffered. The song is call straight jacket.

Something so benign for me construed as cruelty
Such a difference between who I am and who you see

Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect
I don’t know who you’re talking to with such (bleep) disrespect

This (bleep) making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straight jacket

Talking with you’s like talking to a sive that can’t hear me
You fight me tooth and nail to disavow what’s happening

Your resistance to a mirror I feel screaming from your body
One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me

Grand dissonance
The strings of my puppet are cut
The end of an era
Your discrediting’s lost my consent

I simply cannot continue down a path that lead me to so much pain and suffering. The most frustrating aspect of all of this is that my own personal issues are now impacting my ability to help my daughter with her troubles and problems that she is having. I cannot bring my self to trust the professionals and for good reason. My hatred and severe trust issues give me no choice but to rely on God to help me help her without help from the mental health community.

My anxiety, Anger, and severe lack of trust in this profession has caused me to become bitter, easily frustrated and angry, generally not happy as I normally am. It is causing further discord in our home as a result and it must stop. My personal feelings on the issue are affecting my children. They affect me and my relationship with them if we allow this to continue.

For this reason we are cutting all further ties and ending this association now before it is to late. May god bless me and help us. God knows I need as much help as my daughter in resolving these issues. You can not resolve issues by going to the ones who hurt your to begin with. My wounds will never heal and It is just not worth opening them up again. My family’s happiness is to precious to me to continue down a path which will lead to further problems that I fear I will not be able to manage or control.

God help me. There is no other way.

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